Baking, Black Womanhood & Being Seen Imperfectly
I decided to surprise my huunnii this past week by cooking dinner for him. Now shuga, I refuse to say I fully know my way around the kitchen but I do okay and I'll never go hungry lol Anyways, he loves a great meal so with a recipe in hand, I went to the store to grab a few ingredients for a simple one pot honey jerk chicken and rice meal. A lil basmati rice, a few different seasonings, lil onion, bell peppers, garlic, cilantro…you get the picture. I even decided to let myself bake chocolate chip cookies…from scratch. Huunnii, I don't know if I was ovulating or in the Follicular phase but I was for sure over zealous LOL!!
I'll spare you the details of how I put too much oil in one portion of the process because it didn't impact the meal - the chicken and rice had amazing flavor and the rice needed just a tiny bit more liquid but it was good! The cookies were struggle city for me. They were puffed up instead of flat and they weren't as brown as I wanted. I made the biggest deal about needing help and being in distress (dramatic lol) Okay, I'm rambling, so it turns out, I didn't want to be seen or viewed as someone who doesn't know what they're doing. My entire mood shifted because I began to think that my cookies were a disappointment and that the surprise was now a total bust…a flop…and somehow meant something about me as a woman and a girlfriend. Y'all, the man couldn’t have cared LESS! But because of whatever story I let my brain tell me in the moment, vulnerability came up and I felt my confidence leak out a little. When I really sit and think about it, we all already know it was not even about the cookies. Being a beginner or just simply not knowing how to do something I’ve never done is the silliest thing. And even larger than that, making light skinned cookies prompt me to feel like I’m inadequate as a whole entire person is just outrageous!
I was afraid and uncomfortable being seen in a space where I am not fully confident. It was hands down fear of being imperfect - something commonly connected with womanhood, care, Black womanhood - I’ll even step out there and say being a Millennial factors in some sorta how lol. The idea that not “getting this right” would somehow make me less impressive…less worthy. As I shared, he did not care. He didn’t flinch. He offered suggestions from the couch in an effort to support me just testing out a new experience. He didn’t see failure or disaster - he only saw his woman being thoughtful and considerate enough to surprise him. *sigh* He ate a whole plate of the jerk honey chicken and tried a cookie. The texture was amazing and they weren’t bad at all. Y’all, pray for me when you talk to Jesus later lol!! He loved me, gave me grace, and really told me about myself and how I expect myself to know how to do something at the first try and how that’s not a realistic expectation. We talked about my confidence and how I really just get to trust myself without having to lean on something external. Since he’s such a foodie, he talked about how other bakers and chefs will tell you time and time again that it’s all trial and error.
I was for sure reminded of how shame, silly expectations and the fear of not being perfect has room to rob us of sweet moments and time that we won’t get back. So, make the puffed up cookies, let yourself try something new and when it doesn’t pan out the way you’d like, it’s okay. Remind yourself that it’s more than okay to not know anything and not knowing is not connected to your worth, value or self esteem.
